Motivation and Determination with Inspiration

I find myself losing the light of my existence.


Perhaps a temporary state of existentialism, yet I have no quarrels with my existence persay. It is the notice that I am lacking in two of the three things mentioned in the title of this particular post.


I have a rough outline of what I want to do in this life, and how I want to go about it. But the details I leave up to chance, so that I do not expect or foresee everything, but rather so that I can embrace the randomness. And this path of life, I am determined to keep myself to.


Unfortunately, I lack self-motivation and I lack such tremendous inspiration, of which both together would move me forward on my path. This is ridiculous. I can look at myself externally, and blatantly state that this is ridiculous. I know exactly what moves I should be making. I know precisely what consequences or changes will occur by doing so. My steps are laid out right in front of me, always within reach and in a straight line of sight.


And yet...


Without that motivation and inspiration... I can stare at my path all day, and be completely and fully, conciously aware that my life is passing by me day by day, and do nothing about it. I have a grand desire to slap myself in the face and yell at the pathetically lazy "self" I've allowed myself to become. But despite these absolutely ridiculous facts... I just can't move forward. I'm simply not budging and taking action... I need motivation. I need motivation and inspiration to give me a catapult onto my path and get me over this one foot tall obstacle that doesn't even impede my way...


Why won't I just start taking action? It's really as easy as it sounds. It's easy as it is said. And still, knowing this doesn't give me any inspiration... and despite understanding the sloth of my current days... I achieve zero motivation.


I have an idea or two as to why I lack these two important factors, but I personally believe that these ideas or "reasons" are more like pitiful excuses. I believe this because I have always been someone who tells others otherwise. Because in my experience, the grand majority of which remains unrevealed to everyone, one's life doesn't require these "reasons" to move forward. 


The first: A girlfriend. I think this is just because of the build-up of testosterone from the lack of intimacy during the last 3 years. Years ago, I had a rather ridiculous number of friends that I actually spoke with and kept in contact with and a high number that I saw, every or every other day. And back then, I could distribute my affection among all of my friends, even if it wasn't in an intimate way. It was just that distribution to people I felt comfortable doing so to, that allowed me to have a release. A release of thought, feeling and energy. However, as time grew on, that number of friends diminished. Today, that number falls roughly to one percent of that original number. During this process of diminishing, I had attained girlfriends over the years. 
[A note on the girlfriends over years: this is not saying that I've had multiple girls each year for many years. I'm one who prefers long-term relationships, and each as long-term. So only a few, over many years.]
With each girlfriend, no matter how many friends departed or left or simply lost contact with me all together, I could still give off that thought, feeling and energy, all to whomever was my girlfriend. To give her life, love, support, endurance through hardships, praise in accomplishments, and to give a boost to their abilities by teaching them things they didn't know; all of this was just as relevant vice-versa. They gave me all these things, and we could each grow tremendously together, always inspiring, and motivating one another to push forward.
This is why I feel like I need a girlfriend to give me these two missing things. I believe I have a heavy build-up, and that lack of distribution is clogging my mentality, disabling me from truly moving forward. But to give this pent-up thought, feeling and energy to someone would be to have someone to clear my way and even to push me to do my best.

Unfortunately, as I said, I've always been the type of person who believes that something like this isn't necessary for one to move forward in their life. Ironically, no more than an hour ago on my Facebook, someone was tagged in a word picture that states: SINGLE is not a status. It is a word to describe a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.

A slap in the face? No. Only because I'm fully aware that fate is laying out everything right in front of me. All I have to do is reach. But, this is what I said at the beginning of this post. I'm aware, but I'm simply... not moving anywhere. I need a push... And as trivial and stupid and ridiculous as this statement is and even contradicts my belief, I think I need a girlfriend. Rather, I really want one... but not just anyone.

I'm not going to post what qualities I'm looking for in a girl, because I don't want to scribe away from some of my other beliefs and ideologies. I like to believe in dating and getting to know someone before deciding on making them an official girlfriend, rather than asking all the questions I want to ask through Facebook or an e-mail. Remember those days when people were more personable and social in their dating? Seeing one another face-to-face and really embracing eachother in intrigue and interest? I'm one of those kind of people.

I've been going on for a while now... but reason two, be it not a girlfriend, would be close, good friends that I can see often and share good moments with. Something I don't have anymore. I have friends, and there are people I see time to time, but I used to have friends that would come over to my place and just chill with me, or I'd go to their place and chill with them. Video games, cards, music, dancing, television, movies, even board games. We'd draw together, discuss politics, talk about philosophy, or share personal moments because we were good friends like that. There are people among the friends I have now that I would like to be like this with, but everyone is too busy or extremely far, or just can't have me over or can't come over themselves. In today's world of Facebooking, Twittering, and even blogs like this, people don't spend the same kind of together time as I did back then. As we did.

This type of psuedo-isolation is almost the realization of being completely and utterly alone really. I look at it as, despite the fact that I'm in contact with friends through networks, I feel further away from them when I'm chatting or messaging them, than I do when we talk on the phone or when we catch a distant glimpse of one another in person. In person. I think that's the key. Being with others physically, where energy and auras can mix and meld and people no longer are people, but rather they become individuals that are sharing with eachother. Individuals that are bonding.

I miss this... One does well to never forget, and never lose those bonds. These connections, and realizing the importance of them, are strengths to life, and to purpose.